I like being semi-retired, really. I get to relax on my island. Cutting back on my schemes has allowed me to reduce my work force to cloned minions, robots, and a few lackeys. I still manage to accomplish more evil before breakfast than most folks get through in a day.
Villainy has been good to me, and being semi-retired has allowed me the time to give back to my profession. I enjoy giving seminars and workshops to those with less experience, well, I usually enjoy them.
Recently, I was in the middle of a workshop on how to design your first secret lair. I think I was halfway through my powerpoint presentation, right at the part where I start to talk about how it’s important to blend your own style with the surrounding architecture or natural environment, when I saw a gloved hand go up in the back of the room. Read more…
Posted on March 10th, 2010 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Villain Workshops | No Comments »
I recently got a letter from a reader who has been having some trouble with his nemesis. He writes:
Dear Destructo,
I have been somewhat active against a nemesis of mine, but my
nemesis has started fighting other villains. How can I inspire
fear in the heart of my enemy when there are several others doing the
same? [Edited for length]
How would you put the spark back between you and your archenemy?
Love,
Prof. Hobo
Professor Hobo has realized something that all villains must face eventually: Super-heroes rarely ever settle down with one villain. Read more…
Posted on March 3rd, 2010 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Villain Workshops | 1 Comment »
Spring break is approaching rapidly, so you better start making those evil vacation plans. Here are my top 10 places to visit with your nemesis:
- London – This is a great place to have a super-powered battle. Be careful not to damage any good pubs, and beware of the royal robots in front of the palace. The lack of facial expression doesn’t mean there isn’t a missile launcher under that big hat.
- Times Square – Make sure that you have hacked into all of the mega displays so that they all show your face as you laugh maniacally. Give the tourists the finger as you blast off, disappear, explode, whatever.
- San Diego – Maybe this is just a sentimental thing for me, but I will never forget the battle I had with Nick Fury and his S.H.E.I.L.D. agents by the docks in San Diego. It was a beautiful evening and the laser fire was like fireworks reflected in the water. We all got churros afterwards.
- Las Vegas – There’s nothing like a battle on the strip. Make sure your nemesis is nearby and then start wreaking havoc. Where else in the world can you cause callatoral damage to an Egyptian pyramid, the Eiffel Tower, and the Statue of Liberty all at the same time? Please don’t animate that famous giant cowboy neon sign. It’s been done so often now. I swear that if some idiot villian does it again in 2010, I will personally blast them with my proton laser right in the nuts.
- Normal, Illinois – It just bugs me that this place is called Normal. Go build a giant robot, or infect the populace with an evil clown virus or something. It’s hard to call your town Normal if there’s a six-story tall mecho-badger attacking the city, shooting electro-streamers out of its butt. Take that, Normal.
- Hawaii – Where else can you get leid and throw your archenemy into a volcano? I remember a trip with Hourman back in the 70’s. He kept talking into his tiki styled novelty drink, which I thought was a secret transmitter, but it ended up that he was just really drunk.
- Cocoa Beach, Florida – These folks have seen it all, so you can really let your hair down here. I remember one spring break when Doctor Mid-Nite got totally wasted and was singing this really bad version of “Space Oddity” into what the Black Canary told him was her favorite microphone. It wasn’t a microphone.
- Australia – Take your archenemy down under for Spring break. The food is great, the people are fun, and there’s lots of space. Please note that Paul Hogan, aka Crocodile Dundee, is not an actual super-hero. He is just an actor. Nobody will be impressed if you defeat him with your robot army.
- The Hidden Temple of the Northern Wind – I can’t tell you how to get there, but it is one of the most breathtaking places on the planet Earth. I was attempting to extract the secret core of wisdom so that I could use it as a power source for my orbital mind control laser, when I was attacked by a group of X-Men. At one point in the battle, we all stopped to admire the sunset as it reflected against the misty waterfalls. Then Wolverine cut my arm off.
- The Moon – Hey, nuff said, right true believer?
Posted on February 24th, 2010 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Top 10 Lists | 2 Comments »
A few months ago, I got a call from Norman Osborne. I let it go to voicemail, because I was having lunch, and talking to a sadistic crazy head bastard is not nearly as good as a BLT and some fresh tomato soup. I listened to the message later and it was something about wanting me to join his team and how he had disbanded S.H.I.E.L.D. and renamed it H.A.M.M.E.R. He said he wanted me on board to keep an eye on Doctor Doom. He said he had taken over and I could be a part of his new world order or be crushed beneath his iron boot.
I never called him back.
First of all, Norman Osborne is a jerk. He still owes me $18.50 from that time that a bunch of us went out to IHOP for breakfast and he left his wallet in the transport cube. The best part of that trip was getting thrown out because Doctor Octopus pinched a waitress on the butt. He was all, “Hey! Don’t blame me! These mechanical arms have a mind of their own!” Crap, I laughed so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Anyway, Osborne is a jerk, and second of all, I already have eyes on everyone, including Doom, and I know how all of this is going to work out in the end. Have fun while it lasts, Osborne. Read more…
Posted on February 17th, 2010 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Foiled again! | No Comments »
