I’ve been thinking for some time about evil.
Last month, I was working on a giant robot smurf that I had planned on releasing on downtown Scottsdale, Arizona. I was planning on activating the robot as a diversion while I implanted a mind control chip into the back of Power Girl’s head, for my own, uh, devious evil plans that are my own business, so mind your own beeswax. I was working on the robot and listening to the most of the world’s news broadcasts on my giant media wall and I suddenly realized that there was more than enough evil in the world already. I wasn’t really adding any evil to the world with my giant smurf robot or my annoying schemes.
The world has enough evil. It’s out there. You see it every damn day.
Maybe it’s time to do something about that. Maybe if we can remove some of this piled up evil, my schemes won’t seem like just an annoyance.
I’ve decided to try and make the world a better place, so that perhaps in the future, I will have a better world that I can rule with an iron fist.
From now on, until further notice, this secret underground lair will be dedicated to making the world less evil.
Posted on January 9th, 2010 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Everyday Villainy | No Comments »
I don’t have a great deal of time because I’m working on something big, but I wanted to share some small chunks of evil I’ve encountered in the last month or so.
I encountered this horrible device when I was preparing to relieve myself after a particularly unpleasant chimichanga. Apparently, you can stap a baby into this device as is shown in the first diagram, and then make certain modifications. I was unable to determine what modifications could be made, nor could I determine any power source capable of making any real change at the molecular level. However, I believe this may be due to the fact that I didn’t have a baby handy. The device could have some type of bio-scanner that renders it inert in the absence of a real baby. I tried to make something shaped like a baby out of masa dough, but the device did not respond to my doppleganger. Has anyone used this device to create anything useful? I think I will stick with my army of robot ninjas. Babies are too unpredictable.
This photo was taken at a large sporting center after a particularly evil condiment accident. What’s really evil here is that the condiment company ships out bulk mustard in these flimsy eco-friendly plastic sacks. When this poor underpaid employee is told to restock the mustard vat, he must try and tote these gigantic squishy bags of yellow goo without causing a mustardy misshap. This gentleman was not successful. Scores of onlookers just stared at the giant golden yellow splatter, overwhelmed by the potential loss for all of the evening’s corndogs and soft pretzels. It was the most wonderful part of my evening.
Posted on September 30th, 2009 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Evil Things | 1 Comment »
Sorry to be gone for so long. I was incarcerated within an eight dimensional puzzle formed from the broken dreams of South African barbershop quartets. I finally escaped by humming the tune from the old Oscar Meyer weiner commercials constantly for 48 hours. I would like to say that this was something I figured out as a method to gain my freedom, but it was really the result of my loss of sanity. Lucky me. Go figure.
One of the first things I did upon returning to our dimension was to check my messages and return some emails and texts. Imagine my surprise when, as I was writing a text about my plan to shrink a major portion of Sonoma county in California down small enough to fit into a wine shaped bottle I could keep in my den, I discovered that as I typed in s-o-n-o-m-a into my cell phone, I was given the suggested word sodomy. Apparently, the designers of the T9 predictive text algorithm feel that the word sodomy is pretty damn important.
Kudos to them for their evil.
Posted on August 20th, 2009 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Everyday Villainy | 1 Comment »
We were all saddened here at the Lair by the recent death of actor David Carradine.
While much has been said of his fascinating career that included appearances in over 100 feature films and his performance as the wonderful villain in Kill Bill, I like to remember him as Kain the Warrior from the 1984 sword and sorcery movie, The Warrior and the Sorceress. In the film, Carradine stars as a grim mercenary who battles two warlords fighting over a well or something that lies between two poorly built wooden structures on a sound stage.
The film features poorly choreographed fights, extremely bad acting, and lots of unnecessary nudity. I don’t think the female lead ever appears on screen without being topless. At one point, Kain is entertained by an exotic four-breasted stripper. I remember sitting in the theater watching the movie and when the quad-boobed dancer came onscreen, some guy said loudly, “Gee, I wonder which pair is real?”
I replied, just as loudly, “The ones on the left.”
In memory of David Carradine, here are some thoughts regarding acceptable and unacceptable ways to meet your end.
- ACCEPTABLE: Being murdered by a secret sect of kung-fu assassins, bent on silencing your investigations into the the martial-arts underworld.
- UNACCEPTABLE: Being found dead from autoerotic asphyxiation in a Bangkok hotel room.
- ACCEPTABLE: Failing to comprehend the secrets of reality that lie hidden behind the Source Wall, and being added to the thousands of petrified titans and demigods that make up its chilling structure.
- UNACCEPTABLE: Bleeding to death because you failed to comprehend the instructions on the wall of a portable toilet on the planet Skaar.
- ACCEPTABLE: Falling to your death from a mysterious tower perched above a lake of molten lava after a prolonged battle with your nemesis.
- UNACCEPTABLE: Falling to your death in your own lair because you failed to install safety railing around your missile silo. Seriously, this has happened more than a few times over the years and there is really no excuse for it.
- ACCEPTABLE: Being turned to stone by the vengeful spirit of Adam Warlock, after you try to kill most of the universe to appease your mistress, Death.
- UNACCEPTABLE: Being beaten to death by an angry mob of shoppers, after you take the last sweater from the 75% off rack at the Gottschalks going out of business sale.
- ACCEPTABLE: Sacrificing your own life to prevent the destruction of the multiverse at the hand of the Anti-Monitor.
- UNACCEPTABLE: Dying from gastronomic distress while trying to finish The Beer Barrel Belly Buster burger in Clearfield, Pennsylvania.
Now walk this path of rice paper before you leave, and give me back those pebbles. I took them out of Master Po’s rock garden and he’ll be pissed if something’s missing.
Posted on June 14th, 2009 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Villainous News | 1 Comment »
