From the mailbag:
I recently had a very disturbing experience. I remember being on a rooftop, looking at a set of schematics for the security system my local STAR Labs and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in a small restaurant at the Las Vegas Hilton, listening to some horrible remake of “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” eating some spicy chicken wings, and drinking a virgin Pina Colada. My costume and gear are gone and I’m wearing a horrible Hawaiian shirt, sitting next to some guy that looked like Wallace Shawn, who was eating this giant hamburger, chewing with his mouth open, and sitting across from some blond woman with outrageously huge boobs that where struggling to escape from their black spandex captivity.
What happened and how do I exact my revenge on the person who did this to me?
Confused in Chicago
Dear Confused in Chicago,
I’m pretty sure that you’ve run afoul of another super-villain who has recently taken control of your mind. I’m not sure if it was the disgusting table manners of the guy that looked like Wallace Shawn or the size of your companion’s bosom, but something managed to allow your mind to break free from the external control or the internal post-hypnotic command.
Identifying the symptoms of mind control is your first step in combating its effects. If you have any reason to believe that your free will has been compromised, ask yourself the following set of questions.
- Is my butt sore and am I covered in gorilla hair?
- Do I have any type of tag or card in my mask or helmet that is marked with a 10/6?
- Am I currently dressed as a chicken? (If your powers stem from being pecked by some type of irradiated poultry or something, I apologize. Well, not really. If you have chicken based powers or are wearing a chicken costume, I will be forced to hunt you down and atomize you, just to save all of us the embarrassment of your existence.)
- If I look at my calendar from last week, do I notice an entry like “Have coffee with the Enchantress” or “Meet with Doctor Psycho about the money he owes me”?
- Is there a fruit basket in the entry hall with a note that reads “Thanks for everything! Best wishes, The Controller”?
- Do I have the remnants of strange smelling lip gloss on my lips or elsewhere?
- Is there a post-it on the soda machine in your lair that reads “Transfer all assets to Mr. Mind’s offshore bank account”?
- Is there a self-help DVD in your player called “Brainwave’s Secrets to Mastering Texas Hold-Em”?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, you should follow these steps to make sure you are free of any mind control.
STEP ONE: Make a skullcap out of tinfoil and then read the ingredient list from a box of Frosted Flakes out loud while standing on one leg in a bucket that contains two quarts of extra-virgin olive oil.
STEP TWO: If you just completed step one, then you are either still highly susceptible to suggestion or you are just a complete idiot. Either way, I want you to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your contact information and I will target your location with a wide dispersal neutrino beam. This should break you free of any external control. If you are just a complete idiot, this will have no effect on you at all, although you may feel a strangle tingling sensation in your pineal gland.
As far as finding out who was controlling your mind, I would guess that based on the size of your dinner companion’s chest, you were being possessed by the Dark Overlord. You may want to just count your blessings on this one and move on. He’s done far worse.
Posted on May 14th, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Villain Workshops | 2 Comments »