Secret Underground Lair

I read recently that a dog had stolen its owner’s truck. The incident was written off as an accident, explaining that the animal had somehow managed to knock the the vehicle into reverse and then weave through traffic as it backed across the street, but I’m sure it was no accident. That dog knew what it was doing.

There was a time in the evil genius community when it became fashionable to create hyper-intelligent animals to act as lackeys, henchmen, or even as comic relief, like that little muppet that hung out with Jabba the Hut. Everyone was doing it. Many of those animals are still out there. That little GEICO lizard once worked for Dr. Shivana, as a head buffer, but eventually ran away to Hollywood to do commercials.

I once created a hyper-intelligent golden retriever, just because everyone else was doing it. It was fine at first, but then I realized that dogs have no sense of time. Here was a typical conversation:

Mr. Fuzzy: Could you get the bag of snacks out of the back of the helicopter for me? I can’t work the latch. L-A-T-C-H. Latch.

(Mr. Fuzzy had this odd habit of spelling out words. I don’t know if it was due to an error when I was recoding his DNA, or if it’s typical of hyper-intelligent dogs that learn how to read.)

Destructo: Sure. Just give me a minute.

Mr. Fuzzy: Sure. No problem. Raisins. R-A-I-S-I-N-S. Raisins.

(20 seconds later)

Mr. Fuzzy: Hey, could you get the bag of snacks out of the helicopter? I asked you yesterday but you forgot.

Destructo: No, you just asked me a second ago.

Mr. Fuzzy: That was today? Oh, okay. (slight pause) I can’t work the latch on the helicopter. Can you get the snacks?

Destructo: Would you shut up! I said I would get it in a minute!

(Another 20 seconds later.)

Mr. Fuzzy: I just sent you an email about the snacks. Hungry. H-U-N-G-R-Y. Hu…

Destructo: Would you lay off the spelling bee? I’ll get your damn snacks.

Thankfully, Mr. Fuzzy’s intelligence eventually faded in some strange homage to Flowers for Algernon. He’s still padding around the lair somewhere. I think he’s happier now that he can’t spell.

Posted on February 22nd, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Foiled again!