Tips for Evil Staff Meetings
Here’s another letter I received recently:
Dear Destructo,
I recently doubled my staff of henchmen, and I was wondering if you had any advice on how to run my staff meetings. My first staff meeting was a disaster and I ended up having to hold a follow up meeting just to clear up issues from the initial meeting. Help!
Thanks in advance,
Nebulox, the Atomic Slayer
The next time you are having your monthly staff meeting at your lair, keep these tips in mind to help things run smoothly.
- Provide incentives. If you don’t have a Henchman of the Month program, start one immediately. You’d be surprised how incentive programs boost morale. Incentives can be as simple as a meaningless title, a Secret Underground Lair T-Shirt, a preferred area in your barracks, or an equipment bonus. Last month was robotic arm month, here at Destructo Island.
- Execute someone within the first twenty minutes. This is a real attention getter. I used to open staff meetings with a joke or a an amusing story, but blasting someone into oblivion with my chest cannon, sets a more professional tone for the rest of the meeting. Email me and I’ll send you the schematics for the chair launcher I use. It works very well. One push of a button shoots a lackey forty feet into the air like a clay pidgeon.
- Attendance is mandatory. If it’s a longer meeting, like a training seminar on sidekick targeting, you should offer a lunch break. I find that if I announce that right before the break a deadly nerve toxin was released into the air, and that the antidote will not be provided until after the break, you get full attendance after lunch.
- Speak to you minions in a proper tone. If someone has a question, don’t just say, “What is it, henchman 30427?” These people have certain expectations of you. Better to say, “What is it, you pathetic monkey?” or “What could you possibly need, you moronic sniviling toad?” They want to be treated this way. If they didn’t, they would be working at the neighborhood donut shop, instead of in your abandoned missile silo.
If you have any other helpful tips, please share them. I know some of the rookies could really use the support.
Posted on March 5th, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Villain Workshops
I like to provide tasty, sweet sweet pastries prior to my arrival for those weekly, yet, oh so necessary, “What’s in your “Pipeline” ” meetings regarding super villain criminal plots and world dominion weaponery. Upon my arival, any one/or if everyone of my dumb ass, sniveling, want-to-be’s has touched any of the sweet treats without my permission, immediately bleeds out from any and all body orrifices by the gnashing mechanical “teeth” of nano sized intestinal tissue devouring robots.
Great idea, djsalinger! Are the nano-bots hidden in the cream filling or baked into the dough? How’s clean up with that? I had some pebble tech floors put in last year and they are a nightmare to clean!
well, I’ll tell ya Destructo…alot of it depends on body chemistry (organic/inorganic), skeletal dynamics, and of course sphincter integrity issues…for clean up, i’ve always had my meeting room floors set on simple hydraulic pillar structure that when activated (by me-duh) tilt to a sharp 90 degrees allowing lackey offal to slide into my very own “Pit of Eternal Doom” that I had installed by some out of work Celine Deon roadies while the wife and I were vacationing in Florida last summer-plans that I believe I purchased from this very web site. It’s been a real god-send. God Bless ya Destructo-you’re doing the Lord’s work here!
From the worker side, donuts are a plus as long as the occasional exploding or poisoned one is included to add excitement.( the person who ate the maple bar will blow up in 5…4…etc.
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